I need to stop falling half-in-love with random girls who do randomly cute things. That girl in math class who beats me on everything, that girl in physics lab who set up the circuit all by herself, that girl at the library who takes copious marginalia (Billy Collins - Marginalia)… too many to list. I admire them way too much for their talent and skill. It’s so difficult not to admire them, so I have to consciously remind myself to guard my heart. That’s why I say it out loud whenever it’s applicable; that’s why I keep reminding myself about “commitment before enmeshment.” If I don’t, I feel like I’ll fall into that trap again, chasing after girls instead of chasing after God.
It’s like that song by B.O.B. “Nothing On You.” I’ve always loved that song. But listening to it again makes me realize that I’ve been chasing girls all my life, “and honestly, I ended up with none.” I always mistakenly fill my heart with idols, with dreams of my future. And I forget that God has already provided me with hope and a future. Now, whenever I hear that song, I think of Him. It’s His subtle reminder to me, I think, of whom I should desire above all. Let’s be real: what girl has anything on God?
And yet it’s so difficult to remember that truth when I’m caught up in my earthly, sinful ways. Sin really clouds my conscience. Carrying Jesus’ word around me is like holding a lamp in darkness. It’s only as bright as my faith, and thus only illuminates the part of my path. Beyond the flickering light lies sin, ready to pounce whenever my faith flickers, which, in my iniquity, is more often than I’d like. But when I’m able to consciously remember what I should be doing, I go to prayer, to my bible. I’ve been reading Matthew recently, and it’s been so uplifting. One of the verses that really plucked at my heart strings was Matthew 4:4 “One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.”
I’ve been lacking those words almost my entire life. Sure, I went to mass every Sunday back home and sang the songs and listened to the homilies, but I never really cracked open my bible and read it in earnest. But now, I feel like my eyes have been opened. I feel like God has placed a different heart in me ever since that retreat. I feel like a starved man, finally ready to feast on the Word of God. And the more I read, the more I want to be a fisher of men, the more I want to put my faith in action. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen as often as I’d like. But for now, I just hope my hunger continues unabated throughout spring break and beyond.